Poems by the New McGonagall

By Tomas Mc Rae, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia, ©1988

hen I acted out the role of the World’s Best Bad Poet on the Walkways at Brisbane’s WORLD EXPO 88 I added a few poems of my own in similar genre.

Here is one I still remember.

On Australian Serpents

While partying in The Great Outdoors a’ barbecuing steaks

It’s best to keep a sharp look out for slinky, crawly snakes.

Australia round the things abound, it’s sad to realise.

There’s thousands of the nasty things in every shape and size.

I am a serpent expert, though I came here from afar,

For I’ve learned all about them from some old blokes in a bar.

And though I’ve never seen a snake I’ll tell you what I’ll do.

I’ll pass on what they taught me by describing some to you.

Snakes hide in grass and bushes but they crawl around at night

When they can leap from hiding and slay you with one bite.

Tiger snakes are dangerous. Don’t ever one ignore!

When it jumps out of the shrubbery and attacks you with a roar.

It easily outruns its prey. So don’t try to retreat!

It’s best by far to stand your ground and throw the thing some meat.

Keep a sausage in your pocket whenever you leave home

And fling bits at the tiger snakes when round you they do roam.

But of all the nasty crawlers that have this nation cursed

The fiendish rolling hoop snake is by all accounts the worst.

It has neither fangs nor venom but my friends assure me that

It rolls down slopes with tail in mouth to crush its victims flat.

It can chase its prey for hours until it kills it dead,

And if its scales get worn down it goes in for a retread.

But all those deadly wrigglers to put fear in any man

Pale to insignificance beside the great taipan.

This truly is a monster, with jaws of hideous strength,

That lurks across dark roads at night, four hundred feet in length.

Trucks and coaches get swallowed whole, to say nothing of cars.

At least my friends have told me so as we drank in several bars.

It’s lucky that due to their size they’re easily detected.

But steer well clear of one of those or you will get collected.

The thought of all those deadly snakes scares me, I confess,

For all we have in Scotland is the Monster of Loch Ness,

That loves to gobble serpents up whenever them it collars,

And I’ll arrange to bring it here for forty thousand dollars.